imagine there were seven mustard seeds.

five grew on the green wood floor and one was a shy small one that sat on a log.

the last was the most forgettable silliest colour you'll ever imagine with grey strips and blue tinges on its wings.

it would not sit,

nor stand,

nor jump,

nor dance

but would only float

on the still silences of the

ever-flowing stream.

and so the mustard seeds grew

(as wet seeds are wont to do

when seasons are wet

and monsoons blow

from outer arenas

of wet regions where cold

and hot drivels of air collide

in mid-air crisis

of unbearable beams) and

some grew quick and others grew slow

and all in all they would not slow

but we who sit
on sheltered dry seats
under the seams of tiled and bricked sleeves
we wet not feet nor moisten our tails
how could we then, in part or full grow?

tuna bay jetty

something of a sunset

shadows on a coral grave

head still reeling from the train ride. but ooo pulau perhentian is nice. :)

its been a series of ups and downs this weekend

up when boyfriend gives me a single red rose and a whole awfully chocolate cake, just because :)

down when one meets up with friends to share the cake and it's not much appreciated and also to discover that our lives are just different streams flowing along our designated paths with no crossing point

up when i get to hear daniel talk and amelia play the piano and know they are doing fairly alright

down when i'm reminded of my string of responsibilities that i somehow do not know how to help others bear or ease

no... it's not really ups and downs. left to my own natural instinct, i would just speak of down, down, down. but it wouldn't be true, eunice brought me to watch cirque de soleil this past week and i met my boyfriend for a movie. we lodged the Prospectus successfully and it's sitting on MAS OPERA like a fat duck and my director gave me a bouquet of flowers. there are many things to be thankful for, and yet my human nature within me stirs and tells me its restless, dissatisfied.

i know i should spend time sitting at the feet of Jesus, but i am lazy beyond reason. and there's the kid's class i'm supposed to prepare for (though i still enjoy telling the stories) and i procrastinate

sigh. :) :( :) :( :)

to wander amongst the daily whites and blacks of the corporate document stream (or buried beneath arguments, subjective objectives, hypotheses, fancies, declarations) and to know that there's not much satisfaction in drafting a document or picking out mistakes in someone else's documents continously, persistently, pedantic to the last degree. then to think that the mental tiredness/weariness we subject ourselves to earn us well-deserved breaks in far-off locations in sensory pursuits, in dreams of experiencing the beauty and majesty (the simplicity and colour) of the world outside the empty black box we live and work in.

would wanting to do something new, experience something different and dangerous (?) be considered a selfish pursuit of pleasure? and then to be reminded that life is not about what i want to do, i have duties, responsibilities, obligations, that are outstanding, due, persistent, there, no getting away from, that's life, why don't you understand?

i honestly don't know what we do as corporate lawyers. we help people to close business deals, structure syndicated means of getting money from others, help companies do the dance of co-joinment and separation, birth, death and renewal. you do well if you don't mind picking out mistakes till your eyes pop, being painfully particular, being a good administrator and efficient. how is it that we hold the key to truth but keep it from others?

...what's this life that we're leading... how does one live it for God?